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51 Stars

In all the excitement over another four years of Obama, this country has overlooked a much more important issue. In elections on Tuesday, Puerto Rico voted to join the Union as a full state while also electing a new government. This is the first time Puerto Rico has voted for statehood, rejecting similar propositions in 1967, 1993 and 1998. While this change must still go through the Senate, this is the first step in what could be a huge change for this country.

I mean, think about all the flags. All those 50 star flags will suddenly be obsolete. This will be a huge burden on the senior citizen community who will be obligated to purchase new flags to sit by while yelling at kids to get off their lawn. Think about it, how many people under the age of 35 do you know that own an American flag, and I don’t mean things like those toothpicks you use to decorate your food on the 4th of July? Don’t worry I’ll wait. Here’s a pro-tip to get rich quick, invest in Annin Flagmakers, the oldest flag manufactures in business since 1837.

While there has already been some intrepid futurist in our government that has already planned out a design for a 51 star flag, does this really send out the image of the real America?

No, not really. So let’s take a minute to consider some other options.

While quite striking, the first thing I see when I look at this flag is a giant asterisk. With the whole Barry Bonds and Lance Armstrong fiascoes, I think it might be best if we didn’t remind every other nation that the United States is the most roided up country in the planet.


Next we have this piece, but that pentagon shape might remember the fact the we are still at war, and the we have bombed pretty much every country on the planet, including our own. Let's keep trying.

Finally we have this gem. If we’re going to have 51 stars on a flag, we might as well shape those stars into a really goddamn big star. One side effect is that this might appease the state of Texas who right about not is probably heavily considering secession again after last night’s election. This giant star screams freedom, so while when we have the chance, let’s take this design, toss a few more star on it and really make sure we have a flag that proudly says “America, fuck yeah!”

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